Addiction

I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share my struggles but I don’t mind.  Maybe it’s because I find encouragement in others’ honesty. And if anyone knows me at all, they know I’m not one to start a conversation, but give me a few drinks and I’ll open up like a children’s book.  I want to get to that place of no walls on my own.  And by on my own, I mean with focus and faith put in something greater than myself.  I believe we are all drawn to honesty because it allows us to let our own walls down.  If we are the Church, then we know we are all pathetic, in need of salvation. Let us not hold expectations over each other that we can’t even fulfill ourselves.

 So to get to addictions, this is where my mind gravitates toward, drugs and alcohol.  While these seem to have the most devastating results, they are far from the only things we can become addicted to.  I by no means am an expert in this field but I do have lots of experience.

As I sit here and type this, several thoughts are going through my mind.  I need to be in the mood to write.  For me, this could be a challenge to find that vice to put me in the right state of mind.  Whether it be tobacco, coffee, music, or other things along this line.  I don’t usually think of these things as necessarily being bad but why do I feel the need for these things.  I’m aware that it robs me of a certain freedom to be who I want to be.

For as long as I can remember I have found myself bored when left alone with just me, without something to influence my thought process.  Before I ever bought a beer or tried any kind of substance, I would drink Therma Flu or Nyquil, really anything that I thought would get me out of my mind, even a little bit.  I believe we all do this is some form or another.  Maybe it’s not a substance per say but we have T.V., exercise, reading, etc…I know these seem silly and not necessarily a problem, but it’s the underlying need to escape that puzzles me.  We all have that desire to have fulfillment in our consciousness.   I’ve always said that I have an addictive personality but I believe we all do.  We just choose different avenues to fill whichever itch we have.  I could give you a list for almost every activity I do, things I feel I need to enjoy what I am doing or about to do. 

I wish I had more knowledge about our bodies.  I believe our mind is the most fascinating thing.  The power that it holds we will never fully understand.  I find placebos to be so crazy.  Is it really possible that our brain can produce some of the same affects as medication. 

I can’t help but be honest with my struggles.  Though I know that it will influence the perception people have of me.  But at the end of the day  I’m only left with myself and God.  He already knows the intention behind every decision I make. 

Today I find myself broken once again, knowing I want an escape from my thoughts, my fears, and my doubts.

I believe we all are born lacking, lacking something we can’t help but try and fulfill.  In the end it can only be God that fills that void.  Everything else is a temporary fix that quickly fades, only leaving us with the need to dive deeper into an addiction that gives us a short-lived peace.  Faith is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, because it is so humbling.  I don’t think I’ll ever be close to God without my depravity. 

Living in a world that tells you everything opposite of the truth it a lonely road.  It can never be justified from a human perspective, if we don’t have a crazy faith we will literally drive ourselves insane.  Let’s no compare ourselves to the world’s standards, let’s be crazy and hold on to a belief that doesn’t make sense. 

Overcoming Bitterness

Bitterness.  A place I find myself often. Bitterness, I believe is a sister to selfishness.  It's easy to find yourself in this place.  We've all had moments were things don't go your way even if you had the best intentions.  Of course we all know that hindsight is 20\20 and I know this all too well. The past 5 months or so nothing has worked out the way I've planned.  I've tried to live my life in a way that is respectful to others, trying to help those I see in need, and trying to put others before myself.  But lately I've been thinking that maybe I've done all those things expecting something in return.  So does that really make me any different than those that blatantly put themselves first, I don't think so.  So where does that leave me?  How do you love and expect nothing in return ?  I'm sure we all know the answer to give but truely living that out seems almost impossible. I think that's where faith comes in. This is a subject I've struggled with lately. Honestly to me, having faith is the hardest thing I can think of. This may sound absurd to some but putting your trust in something that this world doesn't convey is overwhelming at times.  It's easy to see people we know live only for themselves and succeed beyond measure while we're trying to hold on to something larger only to struggle and doubt our heart and its choices.  The hardest thing for me is knowing what it takes to succeed in this world and knowing my heart. They are as far apart as anything imaginable. Living without faith will drive you insane, having you question every decision you make because it will always be opposite of what society tells you is right.  I'm definitely a stranger in this world.  It's hard to know what your suppose to be doing when we're always influenced by everyone else, waiting for approval from those who are as confused as you.  It's just that not everyone will admit it. I see no use in deceiving others if I'm not 100% convinced in what I belive. Life is hard and it came no instruction manual, so you have to make a choice on what you're going to belive.

Life is Hard

Life can be hard.  This means a lot of different things for each person.  I over think everything, and have to have meaning to what I'm doing.  This is especially hard when it comes to choosing a career or just a job.  I know that you're suppose to just work and be content.  That's what we are taught. find a job that pays well and take care of your family.  So what does taking care of your family really mean?  Of course cover the necessities, utilities, rent, food, clothing etc..But what do we really need compared to what we think we are suppose to need.  When I think about the upcoming holiday season I think what I should be really teaching my kids.  We quickly say it's all about Jesus, is that really what we truly believe or teach.  Maybe our routines show that, going to church, reading the word.  But what I see is the pressure to buy more things for people who don't need anything, me included. 
A phrase that has recently started bothering me is, "be in the world, not of it."  To me that's impossible.  Most of our goals in this life are somewhat related to money.  We push our careers to succeed in this world, which puts you of the world.  I believe if we truly believed every part of the bible, we wouldn't be worried about what job we had, how much money is in our account, is our house big enough, or is our car new enough.  And we wouldn't be judging anyone, because like our own hearts, they are very complex and we know that we are all sinners.  We tend to focus on areas we don't struggle with and try to fix them for others.  I wish we wholeheartedly knew who Jesus was and followed Him instead of what we are told by Men.  Show me a man in history that didn't have his own selfish agenda in mind.  We are all selfish, we can't help it, we are born that way.  So basically we are all hopeless by our own merit and if you believe you are forgiven then you have no place to look down at anyone, because you didn't do anything worth noting.

It seems to me that when someone lives out what they believe fully, they are a little off.  I hope that someday I'm considered a little off.  I don't want to be classified in to a specific group. 

My future are these little tots.  What greater accomplishment is there in life is there that raising children.  This is all that matters. 

This pictures sums up my day and night.  Poor Hannah, she means well but has no boundaries.  But I wouldn't trade her help, I would say anything but someone that wipes their own butt would be nice.  The picture just reminded me of what a difficult job stay-at- home moms have it with young children.  Hats off to those moms that pack up 3+ kids and go buy anything, let alone soccer games,groceries, etc.


Although this is a show of recognition to all moms, it's also a call out to dads who see all those roles as the mom's responsibility.  I'm not judging believe me, I still argue with my wife about roles daily.  Lately I've been able to see things from her perspective more and realized I did and still do put most things dealing with the kids on her.  It's a struggle for me to open my mind to these changes because as we all are, I'm a product of nurture.  My mom did it all as far as running the family, dad made the money and was always there.  Kinda the same role I've been playing, in a way.


This starting off for a whole different topic but I'll get there later.. Now I remember.

Talking about Hannah's heart.  She loves him so much.  She's our bottle giver in the car, our clown to keep him happy, and our sweet lyricists.  But in there also is this ugly, egotistic pulse, and we are feel its beat constantly.  I'm confronted with this more now than when I was working daily and I fail 80% of the time.  What a difference it would make if we surrendered ourselves daily to our children.  Maybe everyone does practice this and I'm just behind.  I know we make sacrifices beyond measure, but let's not see just the financial sacrifices but the only thing with true value, time.  There aren't many times in you life when you have 3 people, even if they're small. that love the crap out of you and want nothing but to play with you...I'll have to read this in the morning ..

I've come to the conclusion that "the shower" is the poor man's spa, at least for me.  The shower is my meditation room, steam room, massage parlor, and where I figure out life's problems.  But as soon as I step out, the cold hits my face, the sight of diaper bombs, and sound of small girls cleans the slate on any ideas and thoughts I previously had.  Welcome back home for this daddy of 3.

Patience

HELP!!. Most days I am pretty patient with the girls but today I want a punching bag.

Tracey has been sick all weekend and I'm worrying today that it might have gotten passed along. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this before but Sophie wakes up some nights multiple times crying. It's usually only a few whimpers and she falls back asleep. She was doing this last night at around 11:30 so I went in there a couple times and she would go back to sleep. I finally laid down with her but her bead is about 4 feet long so I didn't last long. I had researched earlier and found that people believe children can have nightmares as early as 1 year old. Not sure that I agree but maybe. So I started feeling bad and decided to bring her in our room to sleep with us. Bad decision. Hannah also sleeps in our room and was quickly awakened when Sophie began saying "baby" as soon as we walked in. Then she freaked out when I tried to lay her down beside Tracey. Well Hannah and Tracey woke up, so now all four of us are up at 1 am.

7 AM... Hannah's awake which is normal and Tracey rushes to get ready, typical morning. Normally Hannah drinks 4 ounces at each feeding but this morning she would only take 2. I figured her belly was hurting so I gave her some gas relief stuff which I took last night too. She went down pretty good and slept for about 2 hours.

Sophie has been pretty good all morning but I noticed that her nose was running and was coughing a little. 11 AM comes and it all starts breaking down. Hannah's up again and still not eating, Sophie's whining and looks pitiful. Both girls are crying and daddy's losing patience. Hannah finally went back down but cried a lot. This is were Tracey and I differ, I let her cry for 5-10 minutes and Tracey can't do that. My philosophy is she's crying out here no matter what I do so might as well let her be laying down.

At this point I'm just stressed out. I don't know if women just have some special ability to handle this but I don't, at least not today. But now it's 2 PM and both girls are asleep. I think I'm going to take a nap myself. I have to be in Kingsport at 5:30 and Tracey doesn't get home until close to 5 so I guess it's going to be a long day.

OK, so I've vented and feel better, not really, but maybe some of you can relate I'm sure.

Thanks for reading,

Dad

Learning to read

Today I'm just posting a few pictures from the last few days..

We have began trying to potty train Sophie and since she loves books I thought I would introduce her to the world of potty books. She also likes suckers.

I'm not sure if girls read while in the bathroom but I'm going to share this joy with Sophie and Hannah.