Addiction

I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share my struggles but I don’t mind.  Maybe it’s because I find encouragement in others’ honesty. And if anyone knows me at all, they know I’m not one to start a conversation, but give me a few drinks and I’ll open up like a children’s book.  I want to get to that place of no walls on my own.  And by on my own, I mean with focus and faith put in something greater than myself.  I believe we are all drawn to honesty because it allows us to let our own walls down.  If we are the Church, then we know we are all pathetic, in need of salvation. Let us not hold expectations over each other that we can’t even fulfill ourselves.

 So to get to addictions, this is where my mind gravitates toward, drugs and alcohol.  While these seem to have the most devastating results, they are far from the only things we can become addicted to.  I by no means am an expert in this field but I do have lots of experience.

As I sit here and type this, several thoughts are going through my mind.  I need to be in the mood to write.  For me, this could be a challenge to find that vice to put me in the right state of mind.  Whether it be tobacco, coffee, music, or other things along this line.  I don’t usually think of these things as necessarily being bad but why do I feel the need for these things.  I’m aware that it robs me of a certain freedom to be who I want to be.

For as long as I can remember I have found myself bored when left alone with just me, without something to influence my thought process.  Before I ever bought a beer or tried any kind of substance, I would drink Therma Flu or Nyquil, really anything that I thought would get me out of my mind, even a little bit.  I believe we all do this is some form or another.  Maybe it’s not a substance per say but we have T.V., exercise, reading, etc…I know these seem silly and not necessarily a problem, but it’s the underlying need to escape that puzzles me.  We all have that desire to have fulfillment in our consciousness.   I’ve always said that I have an addictive personality but I believe we all do.  We just choose different avenues to fill whichever itch we have.  I could give you a list for almost every activity I do, things I feel I need to enjoy what I am doing or about to do. 

I wish I had more knowledge about our bodies.  I believe our mind is the most fascinating thing.  The power that it holds we will never fully understand.  I find placebos to be so crazy.  Is it really possible that our brain can produce some of the same affects as medication. 

I can’t help but be honest with my struggles.  Though I know that it will influence the perception people have of me.  But at the end of the day  I’m only left with myself and God.  He already knows the intention behind every decision I make. 

Today I find myself broken once again, knowing I want an escape from my thoughts, my fears, and my doubts.

I believe we all are born lacking, lacking something we can’t help but try and fulfill.  In the end it can only be God that fills that void.  Everything else is a temporary fix that quickly fades, only leaving us with the need to dive deeper into an addiction that gives us a short-lived peace.  Faith is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, because it is so humbling.  I don’t think I’ll ever be close to God without my depravity. 

Living in a world that tells you everything opposite of the truth it a lonely road.  It can never be justified from a human perspective, if we don’t have a crazy faith we will literally drive ourselves insane.  Let’s no compare ourselves to the world’s standards, let’s be crazy and hold on to a belief that doesn’t make sense.